June 19, 2008
The desire to write is something of a need for me; it builds up over time as the energy I have has no outlet, when I want to simply let it all out. The problem with that is I have no real inspiration to put pen to paper (or more realistically, set my fingers to the keyboard), just a need to express myself. This dilemma is not something that occurs rarely, and it makes me envy my more talented friends enormously. I think it would be easier for me if I had an instrument and a song I could play loudly, angrily, to just let it out, or a song to play fast, happily, and let everything crescendo; or maybe if I had a canvas that I could smear with all this pent-up energy. Instead, I am an actress, prone to be overly dramatic and have too much energy, with her body and voice as her only tools. I find the greatest relief in indulging in the talents of others, namely listening to music and singing. There's something about belting a really great song that couldn't be more perfectly described than as catharsis. When this grates on my family's last nerves, however, writing is the art form I turn to. A few months ago I would have balked at the idea of putting any real emotion in a blog. I couldn't see what anyone could really get out of it, nor could I understand why anyone would be possessed with the desire to put a part of his or her life on the internet for others to see. Now I get it. It's the same way an artist displays paintings, sketches or sculptures, the way a musician gives a concert, the way an actor is drawn to the stage. It's so much more than that too, it is a connection to other people who seek the same outlet, a connection to something much bigger than myself: the world. It's also an amazing opportunity to let go of any inhibitions, which I think were also part of my resistance to blogging originally. I love to write, I have a collection of poems stashed in my room. I would love to share all of these with others, but the fear that they aren't good enough, the fear that others won't like my writing style has been inhibiting.
Now I feel much more open, relieved, and I can honestly say that I think in the future I will turn more to my blog as an outlet. It originally started out as a project for school, but now I really understand what it is, or what it can be if I am just open to it. One of the values my school stresses is being open to growth, to be willing to put yourself out of your comfort zone; that's what this is for me. I can honestly say that I will turn to my blog more often in the future and really take advantage of what it is. I've never been good at keeping a diary, the commitment of writing in it regularly was not something I could do, so I may not write here very regularly, but I at least have a newfound love for it.
